What is 'Birdnesting' and Is It Right for Your Family? - "Parents" Feature

Our founder, Kristyn Carmichael, was recently featured in Parents regarding the concept of "nesting" as parenting plan option for those going through a divorce. Check out the article HERE and Kristyn's interview below:

1. What are benefits of "birdnesting?"

"Birdnesting" or what we more commonly call "nesting" in family law, is where the children remain in one home and the parents substitute out during their parenting time i.e. mother lives with the kids in the house for one week and father lives with the kids in the house the next week. This can be helpful, short term, for families as they transition into divorce. For instance, a couple that has high conflict that is impacting the children, but they have not yet reached decisions on the house. It can lower conflict around children and create more stability. We most commonly see this with newborns. Parents are trying to handle breastfeeding, sleep schedules, and the other challenges - making one space for the baby ideal.

2. What are potential negatives of birdnesting?

There are a substantial amount of negatives for nesting.

First, this can be a difficult expenses, affording to have multiple homes. Unless the parents have somewhere to stay, like with a family member, outside of the home - the expenses can be much higher.

Second, sharing mutual space is not easy for most couples. There are typically a lot of resentments or challenges around cleanliness levels of the space, laundry, groceries, etc. Some couples even try to share a second space, i.e. one space that they each live in when not living with the children. But than we deal with challenges of who can you have visit the space, such as new significant others, who is caring for what chores in the space, etc.

Ultimately, unless there is great communication and the parenting relationship is amicable, which is very rare, we don't see it working for more than 6 months.

3. Who is this technique best for? When would this be a great option for a family?

This can be a potential short term option to create consistency for the children or limit conflict in front of the children. It can be helpful for those with small children, such as newborns, for support when it is needed. But otherwise, it is typically only a good option for short periods of time, with parents that communicate well.

4. What should parents tell their child when they institute this technique? How can they make them feel safe/secure/loved?

Regardless of whether they are using "nesting" or just separating in general, it would be important to be on the same page i.e. one joint story shared by both parents. Many of our parents like to say they still love one another and the children, and will always be their parents, but they are no longer going to live together. The goal is to limit the amount of detail shared, and to have a joint plan to share to provide security.