What If I Freeze Up During Mediation? Tips for Anxious Clients in Divorce Mediation

Divorce mediation can be a lifeline in an otherwise overwhelming and emotional process—but if you’re someone who struggles with anxiety or freezes up during conflict, even the idea of mediation can feel intimidating.

At its core, mediation is about collaboration and communication. But what happens when your body and brain go into “freeze mode”? 

The “freeze” response is part of our natural survival system. Just like fight or flight, it’s how your body tries to protect you when it perceives danger, even if that danger is emotional, not physical.

You might freeze up in mediation if:

• You’re afraid of conflict or being judged

• You have a history of emotional trauma or power imbalance in the relationship

• You’re overwhelmed by legal or financial details

• You’re trying hard to “keep the peace” but feel unprepared to advocate for yourself

  
  

Tip #1: Prepare Grounding Tools in Advance

Before your mediation session, create a small "calm kit" with items or techniques you can use:

• A notepad and pen to jot down thoughts when you’re overwhelmed

• A grounding object (like a smooth stone or bracelet) to hold

• Breathing techniques—try inhaling for 4 counts, holding for 4, exhaling for 6

• A calming mantra or phrase, like “I can take a moment before I speak”

  
  

Tip #2: Practice Assertive Phrases

Freezing often comes from not knowing what to say in the moment. Prepare a few neutral but assertive sentences you can fall back on when things get heated or confusing:

• “Can we pause for a moment? I need to gather my thoughts.”

• “I’m not ready to respond to that yet.”

• “I’d like to circle back to that point after we finish this topic.”

  
  

Tip #3: Talk to Your Mediator About Your Concerns

A good mediator wants both parties to feel safe and heard. It’s absolutely okay to let them know ahead of time if you’re nervous, tend to freeze up, or want to use a communication strategy like taking breaks or private caucuses.

You might say:

“Sometimes I get overwhelmed in high-stress conversations. Is it okay if I signal for a break or take notes while I gather my response?”

Mediators are trained to facilitate with compassion. Let them be your partner in creating a supportive process.

Tip #4: Don’t Go It Alone - Consider a Coach or Support Person

Some mediation processes allow you to bring a support person, legal coach, or therapist into the session (especially if it’s virtual). Even if they’re not speaking on your behalf, just having someone present can reduce anxiety and help you stay regulated.

Another option is to work with a divorce coach, like Andrea Hipps, in between sessions, so you can prepare responses, review options, and build confidence in a lower-pressure setting.